Snark Stew

It’s been simmering on low in the snarkpot for six days.  It’s…. Snark Stew!

A festive Christmas light display is accompanied by an oddly Grinch-like note at Passive Aggressive Notes

This guy knows he doesn’t HAVE to decorate his house, right?

The State of the Web over at The Oatmeal

A very accurate summary complete with illustrations.

An original portrait of Fabio at Regretsy

This is awesome for two reasons: First, the title of the listing includes a hilarious string of search terms.  Secondly, the Regretsy math at the bottom is spot-on.

Another one from Regretsy…  A response to an Etsy seller who did not like being featured on the blog.

HK’s response back to the seller is a delight.  And there are some wonderfully snarky comments on the post to enjoy as well.

Huff Post provides a roundup of 2012 ads that were most offensive toward women

This is a good post for firing up your righteous indignation.

This Tweet:

Tweet - Giving flannel pajamas is a good way to let your spouse know you're no longer attracted to them

Pins and Kisses

Dear Buttoned Up,

Real men want to undo your top to see your boobs | Pin Snarker

Couple of things:

  1. You shouldn’t need a stupid pin to tell you that men don’t want to get under your shirt to look at your heart.  It’s because of boobs.  They want to see your boobs.
  2. Not sure if you ever noticed this, but you can’t actually see a person’s heart when they take their shirt off.  If a guy wants to get a better look at your heart in your chest, he may be a serial killer.  Run.

Pins and Kisses

Dear Deep Thinker,

Ms. Snarker suffers from being overly logical and more literal than she probably should be.  Being more philosophical and open to abstract ideas is a growth opportunity for Ms. Snarker.  On the other hand, being excessively logical and literal does enhance her snark.  For example, she feels quite snarky toward your pin about how everything in life is “art”:

Life is Art... or no so much | Pin Snarker

Ms. Snarker has trouble relating to this.  First of all, she is usually dressed like a hobo whenever she isn’t in public; it’s hard to see the art in a sweatsuit and house slippers.  Secondly, Ms. Snarker doesn’t drink tea, but when she does drink a hot beverage, it usually involves lots of unladylike slurping and occasional swearing when she burns the roof of her mouth.  No art there either.  Finally, there’s definitely no art to be found in Ms. Snarker’s grocery list.  There’s always at least one line that looks something like this:

Ice cream   SALAD!   Ice cream  😦

Her grocery list may reflect an epic battle of wills, a struggle between the forces of good and evil, and the dark, tortured thoughts of a sugar addict, but it is not art.

So go on with your deep philosophical pins about how life is art, Deep Thinker.  Just be prepared to also appreciate the art of snark from those of us who are simply too literal to “get” you.

Pins and Kisses

Dear Miss Low Expectations,

Has it really come to this?  Have your expectations really dropped this low?

Pausing a video game is really not that impressive | Pin Snarker

Ms. Snarker would like to believe that women can and should have higher standards for the men we date and ultimately marry.  It is a sad commentary on modern relationships if the act of pausing a video game evokes such gratitude and admiration from a woman. Pausing a video game to communicate with one’s significant other is not an act of exceptional chivalrousness.  Your pin implies that a woman should be absolutely thrilled to learn that she is more important to a man than his video game.  It would take a little more than that to thrill Ms. Snarker and make her want to immediately marry someone.

Ms. Snarker also feels that your pin is insulting to men.  It implies that the vast majority of men are complete losers and that if a guy shows even the slightest willingness to use good manners and act like an adult, you better snap him up fast.  Ms. Snarker rejects this notion.  She believes that there are many good men out there who are more than capable of participating in an adult relationship.

Ms. Snarker hopes that you will reevaluate and raise your expectations for the men you date.  If nothing else, she hopes you will stop sharing your low expectations on Pinterest.  It would be a real shame for other young women to see your pin and think that they too must adopt such low standards if they want to find a man.

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Dear Mr. Outdoors,

Many years ago when Ms. Snarker was but a wee lass, her family took a summer vacation to Colorado and did quite a bit of hiking.  During one hike, a very sizeable, sharp rock was kicked loose and it made a beeline for Mama Snarker’s leg (Mama Snarker is the mother of Ms. Snarker).  The wound on the back of her knee was very deep and scary.  Papa Snarker (father of Ms. Snarker) carried a first aid kit in his backpack, and he really wanted to suture up Mama Snarker right there on the side of the mountain.  She insisted that he simply bandage her knee tightly and assist her down the mountain to a proper clinic where the suturing could be performed by an actual medical professional.  Papa Snarker was quite disappointed.

Fortunately, everything worked out just fine and Mama Snarker has a cool scar that makes her look like a badass.  But if the situation had been more serious, and if more drastic on-mountain first aid had been required, Ms. Snarker is pretty confident that her mama would have chosen to bleed out over going with your method of emergency care, Mr. Outdoors.

Ms. Snarker was pretty horrified by your pin and its caption:

Ant Sutures | Pin Snarker

“If you’re out in the woods and you get cut, forget bandaids.  Use ants to suture your wounds.”

This was Ms. Snarker’s inner monologue upon seeing your pin:

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What?  Ants?  No… Surely he doesn’t mean ANTS like the bug.  Right?  Let me click through to the original photo source for clarification…

Army Ant | Pin Snarker

EGADS!  That is an actual ant!  And it is really scary looking!

But I still don’t understand….  Maybe the caption for that really scary picture will clear things up:

“Bring edges of wound together, apply ants, allow them to bite down, rip their bodies off, and presto, dissolvable sutures!”

HOLY. MOTHER. OF GOD!

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Ms. Snarker is torn between disgust at the thought of walking around with ant heads embedded in her skin and sympathy for the ants that had their BODIES RIPPED OFF.

If Ms. Snarker has trouble sleeping tonight, she’s going to be really pissed at you, Mr. Outdoors.

Pins and Kisses

Dear Confused Designer,

Ms. Snarker understands that creative fields like fashion design are tough.  She appreciates that it must be difficult for you to find inspiration for your designs season after season.  So perhaps this little mix up occurred late one night when you were suffering from an especially acute bout of designer’s block.  Perhaps you were desperately tearing through magazines looking for inspiration when your eye caught two little words on a page: period dress.  And you thought, ‘Yes!  That’s it!  I shall take my inspiration from period dress!’

Unfortunately, my dear Confused Designer, you didn’t understand that “period dress” refers to clothing designs based on styles that were popular during a period in history.  This is NOT what people mean when they refer to something as “period dress”:

Period Dress

Generally speaking, women try to avoid wearing clothes that are reminiscent of a catastrophic tampon failure.  A white dress with torrents of red gushing from the crotch region is not the best design idea you’ve ever had.

But hey, at least the coordinating gloves look like a series of maxi pads wrapped around each finger, so it all kind of works together.  No one can say you weren’t committed to your design.

No worries, my dear.  There’s always next season.

Pins and Kisses